This is an update post.  A lot has been happening since I last wrote anything.  New year, new job, new personal growth journey, new hopes, new hurts, and lots of new friends (well, not lots. maybe, three or four). This blog was my saving grace when I was going through what felt like a quarter-life crisis of hopelessness and discouragement with my former job. Would it be such a crisis if we realized that life is a series of those kinds of moments?  Like, really though. We are always in a push-pull relationship with life and faith and self, trying to find…connectedness.

Connectedness. Connection. A sense of belonging, place. A feeling of being a part, unity.

It is only recently, and by recent I mean last night, that I realized that I am alone. Let me clarify.  In our culture, grown-ups do not live with their parents. Gasp! If you did, it’d be so taboo. You’re supposed to be independent and self-sustaining.  I wanted that (lifestyle), to feel grown and self-sufficient.  Whoo! I’ve arrived. And, it was good–spending time with friends, salsa dancing, eating out, paying my own bills, walking into my own apartment.  Yes! This is the good life. Kick it up. Kick back. Let’s live it up! Yea, that’s cool and everything, but what I realized so clearly last night is that lifestyle is an “alone lifestyle”.  You might have friends and hobbies, but when you live your daily life, you do it alone. Trips to the grocery story–alone (9 times out of 10). Errands-alone. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner–alone (9/10).  I never had a problem with it.  That was the single life, right?

It occurred to me that if I lived with family I would not be living life alone. I would probably have breakfast with my mother and my nephews, and they would sing, “God, our Father. God, our Father. Once again. Once again. Thank you for our blessing. Thank you for our blessing. A-amen. A-amen. Let’s eat!” We’d eat. I’d go to work. I’d come home and have dinner with them and share my day with them. I’d share my life with them.  Then, when I wanted (or needed because it be like that sometimes) time away, I could spend time with friends and do hobbies.  Now to me, that sounds like a connected life. So, what is the connected life for a “single” person in our culture? Well, we’ve created the single person with our Ms. Independent, I’m-a-Hustler culture.  I’m beginning to believe that no one should be single. I hear that scripture in my head with new ears, a new perspective. It is not good for man to be alone. And, look at the world we’ve created–a world were people are alone. It’s not about being married; it’s not about being unwed. It’s not attending church or having friends. No man should be “single”. We were created for a life of connection, with God, with each other. Family is a huge part of that. It’s not God. Nothing can satisfy us like his love, but even God said that man needs others like him. Not to replace him, but to complement the connection that we have in Him, with Him. Just like the Godhead is complete, we are complete when we are living our lives with God and others.

It makes me really sad as I think about people who get older. We put them in homes, and our parents can’t live with us because it cramps our independent family style. We leave our old men and women in homes to live and die alone. What are we doing? It’s sad, and I’ve just never thought of it like this before. I’m not sure of the solution. How do we go back on generations of independence? How different our world would be if we lived whole-ly, loving ourselves, loving others, loving God. Connected. Together. Family. Instead, Jake lives in Seattle and Mary lives in Washington and Peter lives in Missouri. There is not a single thing that Bible tells us that is not for our good. (SN: I gotta make sure I capitlize that B because someone once told me that a group wasn’t really christian because they didn’t capitalize any of the b’s when they wrote bible. No offense to you if you ever read this post, but that’s not the crux of being a christian. It’s more than crossing i’s, dotting t’s, and capitalizing the b’s on bible.) When he said it’s not good for man to be alone, he meant that junk for our good. So, why have we chosen to live alone and forced our young and old men and women to live alone?  Sounds like a demonic attack to me, and we haven’t even recognized it. No wonder so many women are hurting inside. They’ve never been married and our culture dogs them if they live at home so they have had to live their lives alone! We don’t promote family. We hate children, and sex is the main way that people find connection.  No wonder our children are growing up slightly jacked up. We’ve stuck their grandparents in nursing homes and there is no generational blessing to pass down, just the curse of lonesomeness and separation from family. The nuclear family is crap! It just promotes more separatism. Yes, separatism. Ok. I’m starting to rant, so I’ll get to the point. 

I’ve asked God, “Lord, now that I recognize my feelings of separation and (a)loneliness, will you show me how to fill it? Will you show me how to feel and live connected while I’m a part from my family? Will you bless me in this way? And Lord, if this is a new awareness to show me its ok and time for a husband and kids, I thank you, God, for providing it in Jesus name. Amen.”

So, there it is. It feels good to be back. It’s a little disjointed, but you’ll forgive me.

Here’s to living and discovering a sense of connection married or not! (Hallelujah. Amen. I pray! That’s for you, Mere! Inside joke.) Peace out. lol.

You wanna be and sound more intelligent so people look at you and say so. WRONG.
You want to sing to be admired OR not sing because you don’t want to feel admired. NO.
You want to dance so you can feel talented and respected for having a craft. TRY AGAIN.

I’d rather be the most idiotic sounding person who ever existed pursing the will of God than the most educated sounding person all up in some other will that brings death to my soul now and in the life to come.

When I started this blog, I didn’t have some idea that I’d get a revelation and BAM be different. Some things take a while to work out and the revelations are a process. I’m excited about the journey I’ve been on (most of which I’ve documented through this blog), and the revelation of Christ in me is one I never want to stop learning/experiencing.

Here are some cool quotes I found today while researching envy which lead to conceit which lead to false pride:

* Humbling ourselves before the Most High, … let us implore him to remove from our hearts that false pride of opinion which would impel us to persevere in wrong for the sake of consistency, rather than yield a just submission to the unforeseen exigencies by which we are now surrounded ….
—Abraham Lincoln A History
* Yielding to the temptations of a false pride and forgetting that he did not possess the resources of private fortune, he indulged in the pleasures of a sumptuous table and expensive equipage, and soon swelled his debts to an amount which it was impossible for him to discharge.
—Life and Times of Washington
* Oh, lead me, my Father! root out false pride and selfishness from my heart; inspire me with virtuous energy, and enable me to improve every talent for the eternal good of myself and others. ‘
—Memoirs of Margaret Fuller Ossoli

The last one is my favorite.

Be blessed. For real.

I have entered into a place of questioning that I never really thought I would enter, and I can honestly say that I feel slightly overwhelmed.  I am certain that God is working on me. My questions do not deny God but deny the things I have accepted about God for so long without any biblical or experiential basis just because it is what someone else said or taught me.   I’m in a place where I am so hungry for God that I am willing to renounce everything that I have ever accepted as “true”.  I want to know who God is.

I started this blog as a journey to leave the helplessness and depression I felt over my job situation and my desire to fulfill certain career paths and passions.  Looking back, that seems like the least of my concerns.  I almost laugh as I consider the hold it had on me.  I was looking for fulfillment, love, worth, purpose, and passion in the wrong place.   The grass was brown, dead, dry, and smelly (if grass can be smelly).  Anyway, that is beside the point.  The point is that I no longer look at my life or God the same way I did when I started this blog.  This is a blessing and a miracle.  It feels so great to see the change.

At the end of last year, I was studying my Bible and meditating on some things of God, and it was impressed upon me that an abundant life is a clear perspective (or picture) of who God is.  At the beginning of the new year, the pastor of my church revealed our theme as “Life”.  On this journey to learning how to enjoy life or see life for all that is, I have learned a lot.  I’ve considered a lot.  Today, I am still considering more.  Like, perhaps, life isn’t meant to be enjoyed. What does it mean to take up my cross and follow Jesus or to join in on His suffering? Is church supposed to be what we’ve made it? If at the return of Jesus He is going to pour out the wrath of God, what does it mean that He took the wrath of God for us? Heaven? Hell? The Second Coming of Christ…

If the Bible is just one big conversation, what does it really say, and why have I only read it in parts?  If that’s the case, I’m missing something HUGE.

If I’m supposed to lay my burdens down and the yoke of Christ is easy, why do I feel so overwhelmed at the prospect of understanding how to reverence a Holy, Holy, Holy God?

The questions continue…

How do I keep myself from being lukewarm?  Why am I completely tired of church at a time when my heart for God feels so impassioned? What is the point of God’s power when prominent pastor’s have children that are sick and unhealed? Why aren’t the believers walking in enough power to where our prayers work?

I felt overwhelmed this morning about hearing God say well done good and faithful servant.  How do I get to the place where I’m doing all that I’m supposed to be doing? Well, I don’t know.  But, just now the scripture that says He that started a good work in you will complete it came to my mind.  I can only say, God, help. Amen.

I can’t do it.  I can’t expect to just zap into this place of boldness, understanding, wisdom, and power without Him.  It can’t happen overnight…can it?

• Fact: The word says that He is mighty to save (Zephaniah 3:17).
• Fact: I know that He saved me.

Why, then, do I battle believing that He will save someone else?  Conversely, when someone receives a blessing, I have a difficult time believing God will do the same for me.  What a flawed paradigm!  I simultaneously believe that God will do something for me that he won’t do for someone else and that He will do for someone else what He will not do for me.  How is it logical to believe that God would show me favoritism in one area and then disregard me in another? We do this in so many areas of our lives  (healing, marriage, money, etc.)

Read Matthew 18:1-14 and Matthew 20:1-16.

True or False-

• God is not a respecter of persons. TRUE!
• God does not show favoritism. TRUE!

Now, consider the goodness of the Lord.  I don’t know about you, but there have been moments in my life where I was quick to believe that God would destroy me and slow to believe in His love for me.  Do we have more belief in God’s wrath and ability to destroy us than in His promises to heal us, to save us, to give us abundant life, wash us white as snow, and do exceedingly above all we could ever imagine? We believe that Jesus came to heal our souls but not our bodies.  We believe in freedom from sickness in heaven but not on earth.  We believe in the sufferings of hell and not in the peace of His Spirit.  So, ultimately, it has been easier for us to believe in a temperamental, moody, wishy-washy God who is a respecter of persons that wants to destroy us more than He wants to fellowship with us that we might know Him. Why? It’s because we are using the world’s system of conduct to define an inexhaustible God, who is wonderful, beautiful, glorious, and matchless in every way. I just gotta bring this point home.  We are more apt to believe that God would send a hurricane to destroy the lives of sinful people than to believe that He would send His Spirit upon them to save them and draw them unto Himself.  Is this the image of God Jesus died to represent?

• Fact: God moves within our system of belief (faith) (Mark 9:23).

We cannot fully experience the power and presence of God if this is the image we use to experience Him.  The Bible says, “if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins (their unbelief) and restore their land (2 Chronicles 7:14).”  I use this scripture to say that if we truly believed we served the God of all, if we truly believed that God is not a respecter of persons and that His plan is to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future then we would pray more (Jeremiah 29:11).  We would humble ourselves because we would desire instead of fear His will for us and pray for His Spirit to save entire nations rather than declare that He destroyed an entire nation through natural disasters.

Make no mistake. Unbelief is sin. I’m so thankful that I’m free from sin (unbelief) because of Jesus Christ.  I don’t have to walk with a distorted image of God.  My plan is to attack and defeat these thoughts with His word.

So, let’s shift this broken paradigm through the power of God’s word.  Let’s believe the word of God and align our thinking with His system over the world’s.

Thank you, God, for the freedom to know You.

This song is just the anthem of my heart right now.  I am so thankful to God for the changes that are taking place in my life.  It’s not easy, but it’s worth it to see how His love lifts me out of my past, out of all hurt and condemnation, and propels me forward into the promise of His call.  I refuse to live defeated or stuck. I control my thoughts, and I have the power to live a new life because of Christ.

Just speak this song over your life.  Say these words out loud.  It’s such a powerful song.

“Moving Forward“-Israel Houghton

What a moment
You have brought me to
Such a freedom I have found in You
You’re the Healer
Who makes all things new
Yeah yeah yeah

~Bridge~

I’m not going back
I’m moving ahead
Here to declare to You
My past is over in You
All things are made new
Surrendered my life to Christ
I’m moving, moving forward

(2nd verse)

You have risen
With all power in Your hands
You have given me
A second chance

Hallelujah hallelujah
Yeah, yeah, yeah

(back to bridge)

~Chorus~

You make all things new
Yes
You make all things new
And I will follow You
Forward

Hallelujah! Here’s to moving forward in liberty because of Christ! I have what the word of God says that I have and am what He says I am. Amen!

Why are we afraid? To be wrong. To make a mistake. To try. To do. To be.

I’m DONE. I’ve had enough with the procrastination, the fear of rejection, and the sadness at my own mediocrity.  Ooops. Did I expose too much about my weaknesses just then? Am I exposed? So what.

Whatever I want out of this life, whatever I want to give or do I’m gonna do.  This might not make sense to whoever it is in the world who actually stumbles across this blog, but it’s where I am right now.

We live too much of our lives preoccupied with other people’s reactions.  Oh, they’re gonna think I’m this or I don’t want to come across like that. I’m tired of it.  I’m done.

Someone clowned my hair yesterday, and it made me feel bad.  Yes, it did.  And, yea, I thought it wasn’t looking that great either.  Who cares? Why are so we caught up in making ourselves look good all the dag on time.  So that Joe won’t clown you or think you look ugly? Again, who cares?

From now own, I don’t want to be that preoccupied, lazy, worrying about other people type person.  I’m tired of laughing at jokes I don’t think are funny, I’m tired of not loving homosexuals or people who ask too many questions, I’m tired to being concerned about being a copy cat.  I don’t know if I’m really talented as a performer, and sometimes, I’m just too tired to muster the energy to apply for graduate school.  I’m kind of over not wanting to do anything because I don’t know what I’m really good at yet hate feeling like I’m doing nothing.

I’m a new creation. God can change me and my whole situation in an instant.  He can explode my gifts all over the place and in a moment I am excelling in every skill He gave me.

I hate to be redundant, but I’m also through with not seeing more of God’s power, which means I’m over the satisfied Christian life.  Oh, I’m happy going to church, I’m happy praying every now and then, I’m happy that I’m not quite in the sin they’re in, and I’m happy slinking through this life with dry, stale faith.

My mission, my purpose is to see the glory and power of God and make both known to this world in every way possible!

Get your hands off of me, Satan! The Lord Himself rebukes you.  You must flee from me because I resist you and will resist you as long as I have breath.  This mind, this life, this heart, this strength belongs to God.  He has an inheritance for me.  He created me fearfully and wonderfully, and I will not stop til I see His glory and show it to the world around me.

There is no fear in perfect love.  If I pray “wrong”, if I love “wrong”,  if I do “wrong”, I just want to do it seeking to be right in His sight versus the world’s.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. HERE’S TO BEING WRONG! so to speak.

I randomly walked over to pray for this guy.  I had to. I had to try to see what would happen.  I know that in my heart although the eyes cannot always see what the Spirit is doing, I know that something changed.  Despite me, there was a change in that situation.

LET’S GO. Let’s get aggressive for this life! I want it all! I take all my stuff back!

Why I Don’t Believe in Christian Accountability, Part 1
http://www.conversantlife.com/the-church/mike-foster-why-i-dont-believe-in-christian-accountability-part-1

Why I Don’t Believe in Christian Accountability, Part 2
http://www.conversantlife.com/life-with-god/mike-foster-why-i-dont-believe-in-accountability-part-2

Now, I stopped reading a long time ago.  For the most part, college turned me into a professional skimmer.  With that being said, it is very possible that I missed something when I “read” these two articles, but by and large, I did not agree with this author.  He proposes that Christian accountability does not work because there is no grace, its superficial, and people can easily pretend that all is well.  He continues by noting that failed marriages and other “moral failures” in the Christian community only confirm that accountability does not work.  I agree but only to an extent.

Consider Matthew 15.

This passage of scripture speaks directly to this issue.  In Christianity, you have the religious (Pharisees) and the people who live by faith through grace.  The people who live by faith do not look purely to the outward doing but seek an inward transformation and hunger to be more like Christ and know God.  As believers, we must constantly fight against the rituals and procedures of religion and actually be like Christ.  As Christ said, when the blind lead the blind, both fall into a ditch.  So, if we are doing accountability for the sake of ritual or to satisfy some religious need to showcase our own self-righteousness, then we have failed and caused our brothers who trusted us to fall into bitterness and resentment when they are hurt.

Here you have a man who has experienced this type of religion either personally or through the treatment of others.  Now, he feels the need to redefine accountability as advocacy.  The whole notion of accountability is so messed up that we need to throw it out and start fresh with a new concept.

No. We need to throw out religion and put on the armor of God.  One of the reasons we have so many denominations within this faith is because people get hurt and offended by people and decide they have a way to do it better, a way that is more Biblical.  What we fail to realize is that the church is not perfect.  If it were, we wouldn’t need God or the blood of Jesus.  We need God, and we must realize that we are fighting against spiritual powers that seek to promote discord and schisms within the church. The issue is not accountability or advocacy or other term.  The issue is the motives and actions of members in the church who either seek perfection in the actions of themselves and men or have never truly given their lives to Christ.  I will never forget something my pastor said a while back.  He said, “For many people, especially in the Bible Belt, Jesus is like a vaccination.  You get just enough not to get Him.”  All kind of people go to church and call themselves Christians.  They know God just enough to think that they are doing well.  They think they don’t need a heart transplant, but they do.  We all do.

Now, this author makes a lot of really great points.  We need to change.  We need to stop making people feel condemned and start showing them grace and love.  Many of the ideas he brings out are valid if we are not the blind leading the blind. Accountability should be multifaceted and include encouragement, rebuke, advocacy, grace, compassion, love, hope, and so much more.  I like that he wrote this because it makes us think about ways to  improve whether we call it accountability or advocacy or other.  I just don’t want to see us as believers carrying pain and resentment with us and mask it in redefined terminology.   This applies to so many terms.  If we don’t like the term Christian any more, then its not the term that should change it’s us.  If not, “follower of Christ” and “believer” will have the same connotation later as “Christian” has to us now.  We must start with our own lives and with our own motives and the resulting actions will show the change that has taken place in our hearts. Out of this change the need for authentic accountability will naturally flow, and we will find ourselves in community with like-minded believers who hunger after the heart of God.

What is vulnerability?  What does it look like?

At first, I had no idea how to explain vulnerability or qualify what it looked like in practice, but today as I think about life and friendships, the answer seems all too obvious.  Vulnerability is honesty.

In an attempt to free myself of the boredom of work today, I signed on to Gmail to see if I had any new messages that could occupy my time.  I had a couple from my mom via Facebook but nothing to fill the 1 hour hole.

I looked to the left side of my screen and saw my chat contacts green, orange, and red.  It’s amazing how you can know someone for years and still not feel comfortable enough to have a chat conversation online.  On the flip side, its amazing how you can feel comfortable with someone online and completely awkward with them in person. 

I’m thinking it all boils down to vulnerability.

I remember chatting with a “friend” online every now and then but she seemed to always be busy.  I wanted us to be good friends but it never came together.  Would our friendship have progressed differently if I had been more vulnerable in my pursuit of our friendship? Would I be able to GChat people I see all the time if I was willing to risk rejection? A lot of times we think about being rejected in romantic relationships, but there is also an element of risk, rejection, and pursuit in friendships as well.  Often, we are not vulnerable because we don’t want to risk rejection or be judged.

I think about moments when I’ve said to a friend that I missed them or enjoyed spending time with them (or even that something they did annoyed me).  These have all been huge moments of vulnerability for me.  To tell someone you want them to be a part of your life shows a part of you that is honest and genuine.  It is a part of you that needs.  It is impossible to be vulnerable if you don’t need anything from anyone.  Your emotions are hard and you only put the strong, collected, surface-y part of you forward.  (Yes, surface-y.)

One misconception about being vulnerable is that it equates being weak.  In fact, it takes a lot of courage that most people don’t exhibit to be honest and share yourself, share your emotions.  If we want to be vulnerable in the bigger things, we have to start practicing with small things.

There is so much that could be said on this topic and so many subcategories that it falls under.  How much more love and healing could take place in our lives if we were all willing to be a little bit more vulnerable (honest) with the people we interact with everyday?

You look nice. I missed you. I just wanted to talk to you.  I’ve been dealing with low self-esteem. You really have a way of making people feel at ease. You make me laugh.  I’m working on my pride. Help me to be accountable in sexual purity.

The Bible says blessed are the pure at heart, the meek will inherit the earth, and that He exalts the humble.  We lose something special in life and in the relationships we encounter everyday when we fail to be vulnerable.  This doesn’t mean tell all your business; it just means sharing honestly.  I’m certain that love follows close behind…

Here are the lyrics. I just think the lyrics are so true and how I feel sometimes. Granted, not in every way, but I can relate to this song, and I think a lot of females can.  Go JLo. I’m loving most of this songs on her may-be-released album called “Love?”  It’s just so honest. I think she gets a bad rap because she’s not the strongest singer, but neither is Madonna.  I’m not afraid to say I think lyrically (at least) JLo did her thing on this album. Feel free to disagree. Ok. Here are the lyrics…for real this time.

“What is Love” by Jennifer Lopez

People told me I should write a love song
Girl you sound so angry, you could use some variation
but I’m lonely, negative relations
I’ve been hurt so many times I don’t have the patience
But I wished for so long for some one to come and show me
Lead by example, cause I’ve been waiting
I’ve tried every age, I’m so tired of the game
I want to be somebody’s girl, will you show me the way

What if… I never find, and I’m left behind (should I keep hoping for love)
what if….I’m still the same, status doesn’t change (gotta keep hoping for love)
what is love what is love what is love….somebody show me
what is love what is love what is love….cause if ya told me
What is love what is love what is love…. I would be lonely
What is love…. please show me what is love

I’ve had blind dates, hooked up with some real flakes
I gone out with church boys, musicians are the worst
I’ve tries so hard cause I’m just so die hard
Tried my best to play the part, wish you could see inside
But I wished for so long for some one to come and show me
Lead by example, cause I’ve been waiting
I’ve tried every age, I’m so tired of the game
I want to be someone’s girl, will you show me the way
What if… I never find, and I’m left behind (should I keep hoping for love)
what if….I’m still the same, status doesn’t change (gotta keep hoping for love)
what is love what is love what is love….somebody show me
what is love what is love what is love….cause if ya told me
What is love what is love what is love…. I would be lonely
What is love…. please show me what is love

- nanana -

What is love?

I’ve been alone for the last past three years on Valentines Day
Christmas is no exception, birthdays with naughty presents
Back and forth, same action
I just need this to happen, I’m missing in loves embraces
If you would show me

What if… I never find, and I’m left behind (should I keep hoping for love)
what if….I’m still the same, status doesn’t change (gotta keep hoping for love)
what is love what is love what is love….somebody show me
what is love what is love what is love….cause if ya told me
What is love what is love what is love…. I would be lonely
What is love…. please show me what is love
- nanana -

What is love x8